Fall and Rise of the House of Salim - II

A covel nomedy, a camel dromedary, or some such.

2. The Story of Salim's First Two Wives.

After a year had passed, Salim was making preparations to go on the Hajj, just as all was in order, the Madame from the brothel arrived with his new bride. Salim questioned how you could find a virgin in a brothel, and the Madame assured him that she was a virgin. She did not say that she was a virgin only in her right ear, but there was still a virgin territory in her, so it wasn't completely a lie.

Salim was concerned; he had made a promise and did not want to refuse a gift. But it was wrong to marry a prostitute; it would bring shame upon his honorable house, what with its businesses in grain, sand, and hospitality. However, in the end, he realized that since the Prophet tells us that God wants us to marry, he took her to wife.

Now the first night, he did not know what to do. She didn't look like a cat, dog, cow, pig, hen, or anything else he had seen mate. She was upset because having worked in a brothel, she was used to men being in and done, so she didn't have to be conjugal for long. Finally, she turned her ass at him and farted, and Salim passed out.

When he awoke, he had forgotten what happened and all he saw were her two round brown hips, staring at him like a vast giant moon rising above the sea. He did not see his wife any place, so he asked the ass what it had done with his wife, and where she was. His wife guffawed into the pillow silently, and just wiggled her hips at him. Salim saw the two hips shake and shimmy, like two ripe fruits, and for the first time he was excited, this looked like things he knew, horses, cows, cats, dogs, and pigs. But he again shouted.

“Where is my wife?”

His wife just wiggled her hips at him.

At last, he grew so angry that he smacked the ass. There was a heavy pleasing “whop!” His wife jolted forward and remembered how Salim used to hit her, and how she thought when she was a girl that this meant he liked her. It often was with boys. So, she wiggled her hips again. And Salim spanked her again.

It went on like this until Salim was so hard, and she was so wet, that neither could resist being very very conjugal, and they consummated the marriage. Repeatedly. So, every afterward this is how they would conjugate: wiggle, spank, and rut. The next day, she asked Salim how the household finances were, and he bemoaned that for his first year, he had pissed away for a living. Now the wife, having been in the house in the old days, remembered that the father had been a successful seller of grain to farmers, sand to Arabs, and women to brothels. She knew that with the poor multiplying that soon there would be a demand for poison grain so that it could be donated to the poor. She went to a client of hers, who was a member of Parliament, and through him arranged to buy bad grain all over Longwindia. So, when it came to pass that, the famine I mentioned before finally happened, there was not a bit of bad grain to be found anywhere in Longwindia. The wealthy bought the bad grain at high prices and shipped it to Udder Prudish, this made a huge profit for them.

God is good. God is great. God is long poison grain.

She also heard about the Arabs and decided that the obvious thing was that they had figured out some connection between the bad grain and the green glass. So, she bought up the glass-making factory with the profits of the poison grain deal. Sure enough, a group of wealthy Arabs came in and offered to buy it. With people dying all over from the poison grain, there was plenty of special sand for making green glass.

God is good. God is great. God pisses poison into green glass.

With the profits from this, she then went to another former client of hers, and after fucking him in several ways that I don't even know the way to describe them, he sold her the city's sewage system. There ever afterward, a bit of the bad grain was recycled back into the water, to the point where the joke became that the Ganges was the sacred river of Longwindia, but the Gangrene was the profitable one.

God is good. God is great. God, however, can give you gas as he pisses poison into green glass.

Finally, she then advertised to the newly rich of Longwindia that there was a spa that would reduce weight and clear the bowels, and within a month upper-caste women from successful households flocked there to partake of the waters. On entering, they were sworn to secrecy about what would happen and allowed only to show their faces before and after pictures. They drank the green water, ate the poison grain, in a special salad with rare olive oil, and fragrant balsamic vinegar in an emulsion with saffron. And they became wickedly sick. They were urgently expelling from front and back and lost weight at the rate of a kilo a day. After two weeks, they would come out, vivid and lovely, and smiling.

God is good. God is great. God's grain green glass gas is his solution for troublesome weight gain. Between the grain, the glass, the Gangrene, and the glow, money rolled in.

During this time, Salim tried his hand at many things. He wanted to sell things people wanted, and he wanted to make people happier. But every time, just as he started to get going, someone else would come in and sell the same thing a few rupees cheaper than Salim could match, so he would leave the business. Then, of course, his former competitor would triple the price, and halve the quality, and become rich. This is the Free Market at work.

So almost as fast as Salim's wife made money, he lost it.

This went on for almost a year.

God is good. God is great. And he is not always opposed to gold. Just so long as it isn't made into a statue. It's not like he's a socialist, communist, or, worse still, a libooral.

At this point, the first wife went to the Madame and talked with her. She lamented how she had made Salim rich doing all the wrong things, and he was making them broke doing all the right things. They both agreed that he had too much time on his hands and that he needed a second wife. So, the Madame agreed to procure a new wife for Salim, if she would find a way to get some of the high-caste women from the spa to work the brothel.

But first, she had another problem. It turned out that Salim had decided that spanking was impure and that he should not do it. They tried having conjugal the other way, but it was bad for both of them. By this point, Salim's first wife had realized that he had a very poor memory and that he read the Koran cover to cover over and over. She finally noticed that on the day he read certain verses from the Koran, that he would refuse sex, and then the next day he would be guilty, and then he would be fine the day after that. So, she found the verses and decided that if the verses were preventing Salim from doing his duty as a husband, then they had to be Satanic Verses. So, she used a razor blade and cut them out of his Koran.

This had two miraculous effects. The first was that Salim never was guilty about giving her a good spanking again, and the second was that the more they fornicated, the less time he spent on business, and the less money he lost. This doubly convinced her to recruit three more wives, one at a time, so that there would be one who could sate Salim, one who could observe which verses caused him trouble and expunge them, and two to run the business of the house.

The next morning, as they ate breakfast, she asked Salim what would make him happy. He said that he wanted to go on the Hajj, as the faithful should do, he wanted to buy a car dealership so that he could have a car, which would be very honorable, and he wanted a new Koran. Salim's first wife was horrified. No one could tell how much trouble he would get into going on the holy pilgrimage to Mecca. She was well aware that he could lose enormous sums in the automobile business because there wasn't a single petrol station in all of the small city of five million. And on no account was she going to allow him to have a new copy of the Koran, until such time, at least, as she was sure she had expunged all the Satanic Verses from the copy he had and could afford to have a special one printed with only the approved parts for Salim.

God is Good. God is Great. But even God sometimes needs an editor. It isn't as if he is an immortal author like Stephen King, Thomas Friedman, Dan Brown, or the like.

So, she began thinking quickly. To the first, she said: “Oh, dear and faithless husband, it is a marvel of marvels that you are so devoted that the first thing you would wish for in all the world is to make the pilgrimage to the Holy City. However, this small wife begs you to remember that without your cunning and acumen, she would never be able to run the affairs of the house. She begs you to wait until our future is secure, and we can journey together, leaving the business to our children.”

“But we haven't any children, my dearest wife.”

“That can be fixed.” She winked at him and wiggled her ass in the chair.

“Oh, dear and faithful husband. I am truly astounded at your far-reaching foresight in wanting to bring modern conveniences to our backward small city of five million. But she begs you to consider that if you do this, you will want to drive your car to Mecca, and then everyone would look down, and whisper that you could not have done it properly.”

“I had not thought of it that way.” Said Salim.

“Oh, dear and faithless husband. I am truly humbled by your piety in wanting a new Koran, permit me to have one hand-copied for you, in the most ornate and privileged style. In this way, many holy scholars can be kept employed, and it will be an heirloom for our children.”

“That is a wonderful and holy idea, my dearest wife. So, what do you think I should have?”

“I think that your bountiful manhood is so much, too much, for one woman to possess. I feel ashamed of having all of it to myself. The only way to unburden my soul would be to have you distribute your blessings on a second wife.”

Salim was confused. He is very good at this.

“I cannot refuse your happiness. So, I will agree that we delay the Hajj until we can go without danger to the house. I cannot refuse your piety, so yes, have a Koran made for me, and take as long as you need to have it done. I cannot refuse your devotion, so I ask you and the Madame to select a second wife for me, but I do ask that she be very different from you so that I can love both of you as much, but very differently.”

Sly Salim's first wife agreed to all of his terms.

God is good. God is great. But God doesn't have a wife to contend with. So sayeth the bible in most translations.

Meanwhile, the Madame had other problems, the local police were bothering her, so she went back to Salim's first wife and explained how the police were giving them difficulties. It was at this point that the wife hit upon a plan.

“Tell the police to be waiting at the gates of the salon. Tell them to arrest the wives for lewdness, but very quietly, and make it clear that if the women work in the brothel for a week, then all will be forgiven, and hand out passes to the police.”

“Won't this ruin the salon?”

“You underestimate how many wives are dissatisfied with their husbands. I will make sure word gets around that something is going around that means getting around at the salon, and business will go up. Eventually, we can make sure that the women who want a holiday from their marriage will be ticketed. The ones that decide they don't like it will pay a small fine, and then keep it quiet, lest they be humiliated.”

And so, it was done, and indeed many of the women were upset but were also flattered, because now they were a thing and beautiful enough to be desired as prostitutes, and several others took the week in the brothel and emerged refreshed and rosy because of course, the Madame treated them only to the most exclusive customers, and not like the common girls who took ten or twelve men a day. Except that now and then some high official’s wife would entertain that many, saying “I am married to a prostitute, why not be one for a while?”

Letters would shower in from grateful husbands about the new outlook on marriage that they had since their wives visited the spa.

God is good. God is great. And God gaveth someone the wit to invent the G-string.

But the time was at hand to choose a second wife, and the first wife and the Madame were at their wit's end. They had almost no idea what to do.

Finally, they realized that they had access to a pool of women larger than any that could be imagined, the daughters of the women visiting the salon. Several were always complaining about how their daughters these days had no idea how to be married and were confused about basic cultural values, like arranged marriages.

The first wife would select candidates, and the Madame would go and find them. The first wife's main criterion was that the second wife prefers women to men because in that way she would always have a hold on Salim. The third wife would be welcome as a connubial grace to the house, but wife number two? Oh no. All business.

And So, they found the right one, who had the looks to capture Salim's eyes, because of course, he could see better than he could think, and who spent all day with the Madame, and without any clothes. The Madame wrote back breathlessly about the gymnastics of the interview, in a very shaky hand.

So it was that Salim came to be married for the second time.

Remembering the trouble with the first wedding night, the first wife had a talk with the second wife. The second wife suggested that they just castrate him, and then run the house together. But the first wife pointed out that there were no heirs yet. The second wife then suggested that the two of them have sex in front of Salim, who probably would tire himself out just watching. But the first wife said that no, she wasn't interested in having to do this every time, though maybe from time to time, as she had done in the brothel. The second wife finally asked, “Well what about I treat him as the woman, and use a long ivory shaft?” The first wife, recalling that the old grandmother had dressed Salim in girl's clothes thought for a while and then formulated a plan. They would get Salim very, very drunk at the wedding, and then when he awoke, he would find himself shaved and in women's attire, and then the second wife would they make a woman out of him.

After all, the first wife agreed, he's already my bitch.

The second wife nodded.

The plan worked very well, Salim had no trouble getting drunk, and the next morning pretended he had been drunk all the time. The first two wives would sometimes lie together while he watched, or they would all play dice to see who would penetrate who. It worked very well; for the next year, Salim spent all his time participating in all of the combinations, and very little time losing money at business.

The House of Salim prospered, and the fame of the Spa grew.

God is good, God is great. God had noticed that a few more verses were sliced out of Salim's Koran. Salim noticed inconsistencies in the text, but what are the lies between God and friends? Plato would approve.